Dr Claysie's Casebook - The Dormobile

[tcm]

Scene: The parlour at Arden House. Dr Claysie enters

DrC “I’m back from surgery jimi er janet! How aboot a nice cup o' tea?”

Jimit “ och of coorse, Doorctor, and werr the patients all mute agin?”

DrC “Er, well, aye that’s reet they were, Janut, it keeps the acting’s costs doon as well ye ken”

J: “Och well is there anything else Doorctr?”

DrC: “Weel, axshully I have some quaite fabulous news Janut– I am planning to buy one of those new-fangled dormobiles! Whit dya think o' thet, then!?”

J {sighs} “Och Doctor, this isn’t another dairsperate attempt to get back on the television, is it noo?”

DrC “well, it’ll definitely gi' a gud jolt to those bastar’ tv producers who hurld us asaide noo almost forty years past ”

J “och, ye know know very well yerv nae chance. Ever since Fathr Ted nicked the celtic-professional idea and made them all pissheid-professionals-behaving -badly, there’s been nae chance of Tannochbrae ever being on the silver screen agin!”

DrC : “Och away with yer woman and make me the tea willyer!”

J: “aye and that’s another reason why Dr Claysie an yon casebook was canned – always saying “woman!” tae me was a bit much even in the late sixties! Ye dormobile shenanigans is boond tae end in tears, and anyway it’s a camper van fae crissakes which iz well oot of fashion”

DrC “och is that reet janet? Or wd ye call it an R V? Hm? Yersen bein actually born in America and that accent being jest a load of acting school stuff, eh? Ye and that "dooorctor" accent was always a bit heavy yet recognisably English jest fae the southern audience, eh?"

J "och away wi' ye an shi'e! Whit aboot that time we has an episode aboot some "bairns" and thoosands o' viewers wrot in tae ask why would farm buildings or "barns" need medical attenshun? Yer knae vury wel yon middlebrow lightweet highland medical fling had a good run but it's well finished as televisual material.

DrC "Och jtha' is jes typical of ye cynical miserable sexless post-war Janet character woman!! I reckon yerv got a share of the blame, especially since all ye did as female lead wuz make the effin tea in a feckin twinset!”

J {picks up prize cricket bat from the wall and swings it menacingly} : “ Reet! yerv had it noo yer daft auld would-be carvanning bastar…..”

{enter Dr ParaCameron, slowly}

DrPC “Drink!”

[ParaHandy]

.... another dairsperate attempt ....

Dr C: Only those from Morningside would say "dairsperate" women, they think sex is what the coal's delivered in and Janet, ouch! thwack! thunk! [as the bat catches Dr C between the legs]

Things will never be the same again in Tannochbrae.

[claymore]

"Cup of tea,Dr Claysie?" asked Janet in her refined Doune tones

"Fer feck sake Janet" retorted the dyspepsic physician "Can a guy no tip a mix in peace?"

[tcm]

SFX {ancient telephone ringing}

J {calming down}: "that'll be the telephone, Doorctrrr"

DrC {answers phone} "Hellooo, Tannochbrae 1 who's speaking? {waits} ..."wel that's marvellous news! Yes, erm jest leave the dormobile ootside...noo, i cannae meet you outside, heh, it's the outside broadcast costs see we're actually in a studio and hundreds of miles from any highlands...er,can we cut that bit?"
{puts phone down}

DrC "marrvellous news - the dormobile is arriving any moment outside! Er I mean ootside! I'm going to see it straightaway!"

{exit DrC in high spirits}

Janet "well, DrParaC aren't you going to see the new toy?"

DrPC "Ach, well, noo, not at the moment, it's best we just keep talking here about the previous scene a bit, and then join the young doctor in the dormobile in a few minutes and thus avoid the need for an expensive outside shot"

Janet "och, there's canny, and here's me thinking youse was a ratted auld soak!"

Dr Pcameron "Willyer shut yer mitherin' woman and hurry up wi' the tea!"

J "och feck yersen too erm, I mean yes dooorcter, and i'll bring some shortbread as weel"

FADE
------

SCENE : in the dormobile. Claysie is sorting stuff out. DrParaCamaeron enters, belching as usual.

DrC "welcome! Isn't it jes great in here? Jeez, was thet just you?"

DrPC "Och niver mind that... it's awfie small in here? Tellme, why dae thi call it a "door"mobile when this nae doors? Eh? Or will it be the same etymological derivation as "dormitory", dya think? "

DrC "fecks sake, peep doon with the grammar schooling willye, we'll niver be back on the telly! Ah'm hopin this will be oor salvation, Tannochbrae back centre stage! Anyways, look here, there;s even a refrigerator! Can ah tempt ye with a beer, or wee dram Dr Pcameron, hm, or even a ....jeez is that Janut?.... "

{Janet gets into the dormobile wearing slapperish Eastender clothes. Both doctors faint}

[Shuggy]

Para: Jeez - at's a fine dormobile - ah nivver knew they came in green?