Today's joke

[jim.r]

Two women walking past a dress shop. One says "That's the one I'd get".
......................and a cyclops ran out and punched her.

[Bejasus]

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers.
He was wanted for rustling.

[Bejasus]

A customer in a butcher’s asks: “Do you have any tinned pigeon?â€Â

[chakalo]

A young wannabe gunslinger walks into a saloon in Dodge City and sits at the bar next to a an old, hard faced, former gun fighter.

"I want to be as good as you were" says the youngster.

" You're wearing your gun too high, slacken off your belt" says the old man.

The young man slackens his gun belt, makes a lightening draw, and shoots the bow tie off the man playing the bar-room piano.

"That's great" he says, "any more tips?"

" Yep" says the old man " Cut a piece of your holster top away so that you can get your thumb on the hammer quicker as you draw"

The wannabe cuts a piece from his holster, draws and shoots a cuff link off the pianist's shirt sleeve.

"Any more advice old timer?" he asks.

"Yep" says the old man " Over by the door there's a bucket of grease they use on the stagecoach axles, smear it over your gun"

The young man rubs grease along the barrel of his Colt.

The old gunfighter says "No son, all over the gun, put plenty on"

"Will this make me faster?" asks the youngster.

" No" says the old man, giving him a pitying look " But when Marshall Wyatt Earp gets through playing the piano, he's going to stuff that Colt up your ass and the grease will make it less painful"....

[moresteamcphail]

Two women walking past a dress shop. One says "That's the one I'd get".
......................and a cyclops ran out and punched her.

Aye!!took me a meenit or twa!!

[sahona]

Chakalo forgot to file off the foresight, "nice 'n smooth" and, yes you're right, the cyclops penny took a long time to drop , must be Jim's accent.

[lady_stormrider]

A length of tatty rope, all twisted and bent into a shape with the ends all pulled apart walks into a bar. The barman asks,

“Are you the same piece of rope that walked into my bar last week?â€Â

[Telo]

[quote="Bejasus"]“Sorry, no canned dooâ€Â

[ljs]

Where did the Grand Old Duke of York keep his armies...?

Up his sleevies.

[BigNick]

I'm not in a good mood today, very very angry in fact!

Some feckin' git drove into my car in one of those new Skoda's.

There was marzipan and sponge cake all over the place.

[ash]

There was marzipan and sponge cake all over the place.

At least the engine wasn't damaged - else everything would be sticky with Golden Syrup.

Ash

BTW - I've read the first post umpteen times, and never got the joke - today it suddenly clicked.

[AlbertRoss]

Small dog limps into a saloon in Dodge City with front foot bandaged. Bartender asks, 'What happened to you' and dog replies, 'They shot my Paw'.

[sahona]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the very prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
She stops doing her tasks, looks up at him over the top of her glasses and says .........................................................


"F*** off! Ye'll no bring it back."

[tcm]

Paddy goes for a job at the building site and the foreman is checking that he's not too thick for the job. "So, dya know the difference between a girder and a joist then, Paddy?" asks the foreman. " O aye" says paddy, "Goethe wrote Faust, whereas Joyce wrote Ulysses"

[tcm]

Two rastas are listening to the radio playing old songs, and one of them says "Ah man, that's Nat King Cole!" and the other one says "okay, so who is it then?"