Making ducks wild

[Telo]

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?".

"In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".

• Chic Murray

[spuddy]

Chic Murray. One of the greats. "Hullo m'dear. I called her dear cos of the antlers on her heid". Had me rolling on the floor when I was, errm 10. Then there was the C/W duets with him making faces behind dear heart's back.

[jim.r]

Is that ayrshire bacon? Nah ah'm jist warming ma hauns!]

[Nick]

.
A man walks into a Glasgow bakery. He points to a cake on display and asks the baker,

"Is that a macaroon or a meringue?"

To which the baker replies, "No, yer right, it's a macaroon."

[Booby Trapper]

Back in the days before mobiles, A Glasgow man was having trouble with a payphone and called the operator.
"is there money in the box?" she asked
"no am jist here maself"

[Telo]

On the last bus of the night going back to Cumnock, the clippie disapprovingly notices a lad in relaxed condition with his feet on the seat.

"Comfy?" she asked.

"Drongan", came the reply.