I tend not to submit jokes

[claymore]

but this did make me laugh

A gent was sat reading his paper when his wife clattered him from behind.
"What was that for?" he demanded

"I've just found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it"

"Sweetpea" he remonstrated - "that's a horse that was running at Kempton"

The wife apologised

Next morning she hits him with a frying pan

"What was that for?" he wailed

"Yer horse just phoned"