Burns' night

[spuddy]

Have I got the apostrophe right ? Been invited to same at South Coast yacht club; interesting example of cultural translocation and I shall go in search of anthropological insights. Would like some advice on costume and protocol though - suggestions please.

[Nick]

Costume - kilt. Hire it.

Protocol: drink whisky

[spuddy]

I havnae the legs for it. Also, I'm driving. Would a tartan tie and a bitter lemon do ? What tartan do you think. Long line of ancestors in Scots Greys and successor regiment but not sure if this would be impertinent or worse. The Windsors have got one so I understand - not for me - and I don't want the one that's sold to the Japanese.
If I'm on the wagon, could do with a hint about the semiotics of the event from an academician to keep me amused.

[Nick]

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of the tour he is taken onto a ward with a number of patients who show no signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!".

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord
be thankit."

The next patient sits up and declaims:

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering bl'attle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle."

"Well," says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "l see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"No, no," the Scottish doctor corrects him, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."

[Nick]

.
A Scotsman is found lying in a house beside his gas heater. His wife calls the ambulance. The paramedics arrive, and note that the man is muttering

"och, sleekit hoots, auld beastie...some hae none, wee pookit sham o tenter".

His concerned wife asks the crew "What's wrong with him?"

The chief paramedic turns to her and says "I'm afraid your husband is suffering from terrible Burns!'

[sahona]

Dress depends on the club, so go the same as the rest (the person who invited you) You aren't actually going to speak are you....... Borrow a long nightfress, fabricate a nice bunnet with tassel, and start learning about wandering wullie. Or look for inspiration in book long out of print called "The Merry Muses Of Old Caledonia" by the same author.

[claymore]

I sat upon a cigarette - I bear the marks upon me yet.....Burns.