Varnishing ...

[ParaHandy]

Whilst fully loaded with bits to varnish at home, the dinghy was inadvertently driven directly into the pontoon; purely because ah could'nae see whur ah wus gang, ken, thur was sae much stuff in ra boat.

Onyways, the dinghy sort of expanded in the middle and slipped the wooden seat from one of the thwart supports. Ah promptly fell oan ma bum. The seat is more like a railway sleeper so I drilled through the hull and "reattached it". And here's the result


This could be the first of many unintended consequences to what I now realise could have been a very foolish desire "tae tart up ra cabin" and refurbish the cabin sole etc etc. More stories of this misadventure (you know you're to blame youse auld goat) to follow ....

[claymore]

whits ra hole fer in th'ither plank - is it yer bidet?

[ParaHandy]

You stick a pole in there. The pole could be for either a flag, washing, a sail, a gallows, vault or something thought up by the EU.

In fact, of course, it's for a sail and, in case of shipwreck, there's a 4 course meal and a bottle of bubbly. You might think I've been sniffing varnish fumes. I have.

[claymore]

I see yer concerned aboot the seaworthyness o yon thing but strappin it tae an inflatable seems a tad ower cautious...

[ljs]

Och aye. Somewhere oot there in the distance, where the sea meets the sky, and yer dinghy meets the pontoon, is the Varnishing Point..

[ParaHandy]

... strappin it tae an inflatable ..

haarrrumph ... and how's yer new inflatable, hand delivered, doing? Big enough is it?

[ParaHandy]

..... a very foolish desire "tae tart up ra cabin" and refurbish the cabin sole etc etc. ....

Jings, disaster has struck already. Ahm practising oan a bilge cover in the sole and efter the fifth coat, and even hersel' admiring it, I put the 6th coat oan the fekking thing afore it was properly dry and its discombobulated the whole fekking coating. Took 5 days to put the stuff on and 30 minutes with the heat gun tae get it aff. jings a michty ...

[claymore]

Aye - there is but wan thing got in a rush...wee bairns.
Cannot wait tae see the finished product. As fer yon dinghy - its nae good at all - fancy deliverin it at the end o the season. Wull ma guarantee still be valid next May?

[ParaHandy]

Wull ma guarantee still be valid next May?

Ye didnae take oot the special breakdoon cover which ma agent assured me she'd menshuned ...

Things huv goan frae bad tae wurse. Whilst failing tae get ra varnish tae stick tae ra wood, hersel hus pointed oot that there's several spots stuck to ra floor orra doonstairs loo and several in front orra kichen sink which also, she reports, hus a strange whiff orra thinners ...

However, we're oan coat No3 orra first piece ....

[ParaHandy]

Och aye. Somewhere oot there in the distance, where the sea meets the sky, and yer dinghy meets the pontoon, is the Varnishing Point..

Oh, prescient.

So many re-varnishings of the f#ck-ups accompanied by re-sandings have resulted in a substantial weight reduction so she'll be way above her marks when she goes back in. It'll be a pole vault to get back on?

I'm wondering how you'd achieve that on a swinging mooring? Standing on the thwarts, holding the pole horizontally whilst driving the dinghy toward a rock, the pivot point, between me and the boat? Springing spryly off whilst describing an arc over the sea.

Mathematically, whereas an Olympic pole vaulter is looking for height, I'll be looking for a little height but great distance which suggests a low trajectory and this would require holding onto the pole longer than usual so you release at nearly the top of the pole's locus.

I hate, loathe varmish. It rhymes with varmin.

[claymore]

2points

1) we will all know when ye try yer loony pole vaulting - we'll hear ra splash

2) ye need mair patience its varnish ye eejit, not deks olje - ye need tae let it dry between coats an ye probably need tae warm the place up a bit, ye miserly auld skinflint.

[ParaHandy]

The end is in sight. Such is the reflective capability of the newly varnished cabin sole (coat No 3, a few to go) that I now have a shaving mirror at floor level throughout ma fine vessel. Useful when pissed I suppose.

Speaking of which (piss, I mean); International Original varnish could be described as "Germanic". If, by accident or design, you try and apply this stuff having first pissed on the wood, the brain inside the varnish looks up its compatibility chart, doesn't find piss and promptly falls off or all of it collectively sulks in a corner. If, on the other hand, you are using Epifanes, this varnish shrugs its shoulder, mutters ppfff whilst puffing its Gauloise, and gets on with it. Why, oh why, didn't I use it before now?

[ParaHandy]

The full horror of this endeavour which started almost exactly 2 months ago, is dawning on me.

The latest .. erm .. difficulty is the orbital sander which is flinging off 80 grit pads. The sander was bought with an eye to doing the sanding down of the wood for the varnishing and the hull efter it had been blasted.

Whilst freezing ma' ba's aff sanding the hull and catching the discs as they flew aff, i espied a young chap doing the same but looking as if he knew what he was doing. In exchange fer my winter fuel allowance, he agreed to do mine.

A Mr Ptolemy Dean the new Surveyor of the Fabric at Westminster Abbey (his job is to maintain the place) has been complaining about it on the beeb. All ah'll say is zip it pal, jist try looking efter a boat ...

[claymore]

Here's tae a cold winter, an youse wi nae coal. Jings, the strains o Good King Wenceslas are plain tae hear.