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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 8:48 pm
by ParaHandy
A wife comes home early from work only to catch her husband in bed making love to a very attractive young woman.

She cries, “You disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me! Me, your faithful wife and mother of your children! I want a divorce right away!” The husband hurries to reply, “Hang on just a minute, love! At least let me tell you what happened.” She sobbed, “Go ahead. But those will be the last words you’ll say to me!”

So the husband goes on, “Well, I was about to drive home when this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her in. I noticed that she was very thin, not well-dressed, and quite dirty. She told me she hadn’t eaten for three days. In my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made you last night, which you didn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. I suggested a shower, threw away her old, dirty clothes, and gave her the designer jeans you’ve had for a few years, which you never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. Then I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you, which you don’t wear to annoy her, and the expensive boots I bought, which you don’t wear because someone has the same pair at work.”

The husband took a deep breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my help and understanding, that as I walked her to the door, tears welled in her eyes as she asked me, “Please, do you have anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 11:27 pm
by Ghillie
Two parrots sitting on a perch.





One asks the other,




can you smell fish?





too wet to sweep leaves...

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 12:08 pm
by claymore
2 Snowmen talking
One says: "Can you smell carrots?"

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 12:29 pm
by Nick
.
Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says, " Does this taste funny to you?"

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 3:17 pm
by claymore
Just seen a Witch on the beach

She was a sandwich

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 6:42 pm
by wully
One of my mates has been taking the piss just 'cos I've started wearing an earing.

' You're 50 years old ya daft git, how long have you been wearing that?'

..only since the wife found it in the car

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Fri Nov 22, 2013 6:44 pm
by ParaHandy
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Sat Nov 23, 2013 1:53 pm
by claymore
wully wrote:One of my mates has been taking the piss just 'cos I've started wearing an earing.

' You're 50 years old ya daft git, how long have you been wearing that?'

..only since the wife found it in the car


How times have changed - it used to be a corset. Do people still wear them.....?

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Sat Nov 23, 2013 7:17 pm
by wully
claymore wrote:
How times have changed - it used to be a corset. Do people still wear them.....?


Some of us don't need to....

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:13 am
by claymore
Quite.

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Sun Nov 24, 2013 4:58 pm
by ParaHandy
claymore wrote:Quite.

Harrumph ....

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says... "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Vern's funeral will be held this coming Friday.

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 3:35 pm
by wully
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says " Is this some kind of joke?"

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 5:36 pm
by claymore
Why are bees all sticky?

They use honey combs....

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 10:33 pm
by wully
Where do pirates go on their time off?



On Aaaarrr & Aaaaaarrrrrr...

Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Posted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 9:35 am
by Rowana
What's the difference between a greyhound and a pan loaf ?




Different breed ! :D :D