Blow wind, come wrack

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wully
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby wully » Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:19 am

It is on record that an Aberdonian once gave a waiter a tip.

But the horse didn't win.

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ParaHandy
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby ParaHandy » Thu Nov 28, 2013 1:41 am

Image

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claymore
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby claymore » Thu Nov 28, 2013 4:57 pm

Is she resting or is that a new position?
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wully
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby wully » Mon Dec 02, 2013 10:26 pm

A young Chinese couple get married.


She's a virgin & they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to bereassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting jussanyting you want. You juss ask.


Whatchu want?" he says, trying to soundexperienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for herrequest.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heardabout from other girls ... Nummaa 69".


More thoughtful silence, but this time from him Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

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claymore
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby claymore » Tue Dec 03, 2013 12:59 pm

So he gets up
Nips downstairs ( they live above the rstaurant) and brings it back to her.
Puzzled, she scoffs it and before long, the cauli kicks in she is wracked with wind.
He decides to try a bit of the orals and whumph - she lets one go right in his face.
He gets up and gets dressed
Still puzzled she says wha yo do- youno come back fo more?
No - he says - Ino wan another 68 of those.
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Claymore
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ParaHandy
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby ParaHandy » Tue Dec 03, 2013 6:19 pm

Higgs Boson walks in to a church.

Startled and a bit panicked the priest says "I'm very sorry Mr Boson, but we can't allow theoretical particles like you in here!"

Smiling Higgs Boson replies "But without me Father you can't have Mass!"

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wully
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby wully » Tue Dec 03, 2013 9:54 pm

A little boy asks his Dad "What is Politics?"
Dad says "Look at it this way. I am the head of the family so call me the Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money so call her the Government. We have to take care of your needs so you are the People. Nanny represents the Working Class and your baby brother is the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

Later that night he hears his little brother crying and on checking finds that he has soiled his nappy. He goes to his parents'
room and finds that his mother is fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her he goes to the Nanny's room where he finds his father in bed with the Nanny. The next morning the little boy says to his father "I think I know what politics is all about."
"Good" says his father" now tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little lad replies " the Prome Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is asleep,the People are being ignored while the Future is in deep excrement"

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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby claymore » Wed Dec 04, 2013 9:37 am

The local Parish Priest, Father Sikkola, is a good man and highly thought of in the Vatican.
There was talk of him becoming Pope but they just thought Pope Sikkola didn't have the right ring to it.
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wully
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby wully » Wed Dec 04, 2013 10:03 pm

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

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ParaHandy
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby ParaHandy » Thu Dec 05, 2013 12:22 am

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, one Christmas their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

On Christmas day the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

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wully
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby wully » Thu Dec 05, 2013 5:50 pm

This bloke gets pulled for speeding, he's been caught bombing past a school at 80mph. The copper walks up and says "Excuse me sir do you realise the speed you were doing?"

"Yes officer"

"Is it you vehicle sir?"

"No officer, I've carjacked it"

"Eh?" says the copper

"Yeah, nicked it just now. But she put up a fight so I had to shoot the bitch. Thats why I'm speeding I gotta get rid of the body from the boot"

"You shot her?!" Says a stunned and slightly scared officer of the law.

"Aye, I got me gun here" And the man leans over to the glove box.

"Stay there!" screams the policeman as he runs for his own car.

A breif radio conversation and blue light run later the man's car is surrounding by armed police who call the man out and pat him down. After this they search the car, find nothing and start to question him about the gun and the body.

"So where's the womans body?" syas one officer

"What body?" replies the man

"My colleague said you admitted to shooting a woman and were going to dispose of the body. He said you shot her, stole her car and had the gun in the glove box"

"What" says the man looking rather stunned "He'll be telling you I was doing 80 past a school next".

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Clyde_Wanderer
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby Clyde_Wanderer » Thu Dec 05, 2013 9:12 pm

Last night I says to the wife,
Put your coat on, Im going to the pub.

Why, she asks am I comming with you?
Are you fcuk I answer, Im turning the heating off. :lol: :lol: :lol:
c_w

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Clyde_Wanderer
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby Clyde_Wanderer » Thu Dec 05, 2013 9:14 pm

wully wrote:It is on record that an Aberdonian once gave a waiter a tip.

But the horse didn't win.


I always give a tip.
Dont eat yellow snow. :lol: :lol:

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wully
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby wully » Fri Dec 06, 2013 11:57 am

A young man moved out from home and into a new flat.
He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mail box.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
As they talked her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,

"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming".

He followed her into her place, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,

"It's got to be your ears".

Astounded and a little hurt she asked,
"My ears, look at these breasts, they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered,
"Outside when you said you heard someone coming, that was me".

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claymore
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Re: Blow wind, come wrack

Postby claymore » Fri Dec 06, 2013 6:10 pm

Oh Willie! :-o
Regards
Claymore
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